Shock and Breathing

Shock is what I feel right now.  Along with that shock I feel tremendous fear; along with that fear comes difficulty breathing.

Why do I feel like this???? The phone call we received from the Urologist is not one we wanted to receive.  My husband's PSA numbers have increased considerably over the last 3 weeks, instead of the increase in milligrams of the medication improving the numbers.....they INCREASED.

Now,  instead of trying a antibiotic or a different medication as the doctor indicated 10 days ago that he wanted to do; he has now decided to go to the last step and do a biopsy in 10 days.

I am frightened and I don't like this feeling, that is not easy for me to admit.  However, I have God.  I have really got to draw deep from His well of comfort.  I have got to give this fear over to Him.  Only He can handle this problem.  I proved today that I have no strength on my own to be a support to my husband when actually I am crumbling myself.

I have to ASK for His help and guidance.  I have to KNOCK and He will open that door of peace and comfort for me. I have to SEEK Him with all my heart and with complete faith, He will be there for me and George.

God, let me rest my weary head upon your chest and bring me a feeling of peace; then and only then will I be able to give my husband the strength and support that he needs.

Peace

Sweet Words of Peace from Jesus!

Return, then unto thy rest, O my soul! Let the sweet cadence of this “word of Jesus” steal on thee amid the disquietudes of earth. Sheltered in Him, thou art safe for time, safe for eternity! There may be, and will be, temporary tossings, fears, and misgivings,—manifestations of inward corruption; but these will only be like the surface-heavings of the ocean, while underneath there is a deep settled calm. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace” (lit. peace, peace) “whose mind is stayed on Thee.” In the world it is care on care, trouble on trouble, sin on sin; but every wave that breaks on the believers soul seems sweetly to murmur, “Peace, peace!” And if the foretaste of this rest be precious, what must be the glorious

4 Weeks

Can't believe it has been 4 weeks since I posted.  Time really moves fast in the summer months especially with work at the park.  So very busy as so many people are doing the Stacations.

I have got to learn how to deal with emotional pain.  I had a bad emotional experience today and developed a terrible headache and now my neck and shoulders hurt due to the tense muscles.  Anger and emotional pain causes us to really tense up and then when you get older like me you will find that tense pain endures for much longer periods of time.

I know that when I face emotional pain like I did today that I need to STOP, LISTEN and SEEK GOD with all my being and turn it over to him.  But almost everytime it happens, I fail to do what I know I should do.  Instead my emotions take over and then I just sort of "lose it" or lose control might be a better choice of words.

When I am dealt emotional pain then I lash out verbally with words that I would normally NEVER use.  Matter of fact, some of the words I said today are actually words that I despise hearing people use.  All done in anger!!

Tomorrow, oh tomorrow....I have no idea what it will bring.  I need to clear my head of the trash it had in it today and replace it with God's sweet words.

Humbled

I am always humbled by the way that God loves me and provides for me and my spouse.  He can be counted on to come through everytime.  Maybe not in my preferred timing, but always in His perfect timing.

Everyday gives us new hope on our financial situation.  God started a mighty work in helping us to recover and He is not finished. 

I pray that I will be receptive to His promptings to "stop circling this mountain and walk straight away".

Some time ago I posted on this blog that I was at the lowerest point I have ever been at, let me tell you something!!!!....that is when you cry out to God and He reaches down and lifts you slowly and gently from the deepest crevice of your pit.  I am not solid yet but this Rock that I stand on is solid through and through.

When I say I am nothing without Him, please know that is exactly what I mean.  Maybe I had become guilty of being full of "myself" and full of "my own strength" but Praise God, He brought me back to a place I need to be.  The journey has been bruising and hard to take sometime but He brought me through it alive and healed.

God does not allow me a language that would adequately describe my love for Him and my praises to Him.  That is why He gave us the Holy Spirit to make moaning and groanings when we could not find the words that we need to communicate our feelings to our Abba Father.  

Many times a day I can feel my heart swell and overflow with my love for Him.  Have you ever seen a child that squeals and claps their hands while jumping up and down with excitement????   that child is me and that happens to me when I think about my loving, forgiving, providing Father.  I love that feeling and the fact that I am 66 years old doesn't make any difference to my Father, He still sees me as a small child of His.  Thank you Jesus! 

AWOL

I have been "absent with out leave".  When I started this blog my intentions was to post several times a week, however, life got in the way.  Good life, bad life, inbetween life, just plain life in general took over my being and I failed to keep my blog going.

So, here I am, beginning once again.

Life really has been a struggle with so much financial stress on my husband and I since the summer of last year.  Then it finally hit rock bottom a few months ago.

Except for the love and grace of God and the supporting grace of some very, very special women in my life, I don't know what would have happened to me and my sweet husband. 

God interceded by placing this unlikely group of ladies right smack in the middle of my situation and they have helped thru monies, prayers and love to get us out of the "pit" and back to climbing out of the deep, dark hole we were in.

I can never, ever, thank God enough for what He has done for us.  I pray we are on the road to recovering and overcoming our dire situation that we were in.

Nothing that I have done in my human form and mind deserves the rich blessings that I have been receiving.  I find that I am actually going to sleep at night and getting rest, not constantly waking up and worrying and wondering what is going to happen to us!!

We still have a long way to go, however, not near as far as it was 6 months ago. 

Since I quit smoking in 2003 I have put on weight.  A couple of times I got some of it off but then invariably winter arrived and I put on the proverbial "7+" pounds.  This past year was no exception, so, I am back to watching what I put in my mouth and trying to get back to an exercise program. 

The first 4 months of this year has been hard on me both financially and physically.  I am having more problems with my hips and left leg.  I know a lot of the physical problem is from the extra weight I am carrying around. 

I want so desperately to get back down to around 130 lbs and maintain it there.  It will take a lot more work on my part but I am in prayer that getting some of the financial stress off of me that I will be able to move forward with the weight loss and then weight control.

Bearing my soul here it seems. 

If you don't know God please let me know as I would love to introduce you to Him.  He can do for you what He has done for me and the best part is that He wants to!!

U

Before U were thought of or time had begun,

God even stuck U in the name of His Son.

And each time U pray, you'll see it's true

You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.

You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,

For U, He was born; that's why He came.

And His great love for U is the reason He died.

It even takes U to spell crUcified.

Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan.
The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,

and this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.

When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,

He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.

"Go into the world and tell them it's true.

That I love them all - Just like I love U."

So many great people are spelled with a U,

Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?

It all depends now on what U will do,

He'd like them to know - But it all starts with U.

Trust

We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we don't yet have -- for a man who already has something doesn't need to hope and trust that he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn't happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently. 

Romans 8: 24-25 TLB

"Come to the edge, he said. They said:
We are afraid. Come to the edge, he
said. They came. He pushed them,
And they flew..."