Shock and Breathing

Shock is what I feel right now.  Along with that shock I feel tremendous fear; along with that fear comes difficulty breathing.

Why do I feel like this???? The phone call we received from the Urologist is not one we wanted to receive.  My husband's PSA numbers have increased considerably over the last 3 weeks, instead of the increase in milligrams of the medication improving the numbers.....they INCREASED.

Now,  instead of trying a antibiotic or a different medication as the doctor indicated 10 days ago that he wanted to do; he has now decided to go to the last step and do a biopsy in 10 days.

I am frightened and I don't like this feeling, that is not easy for me to admit.  However, I have God.  I have really got to draw deep from His well of comfort.  I have got to give this fear over to Him.  Only He can handle this problem.  I proved today that I have no strength on my own to be a support to my husband when actually I am crumbling myself.

I have to ASK for His help and guidance.  I have to KNOCK and He will open that door of peace and comfort for me. I have to SEEK Him with all my heart and with complete faith, He will be there for me and George.

God, let me rest my weary head upon your chest and bring me a feeling of peace; then and only then will I be able to give my husband the strength and support that he needs.

4 Weeks

Can't believe it has been 4 weeks since I posted.  Time really moves fast in the summer months especially with work at the park.  So very busy as so many people are doing the Stacations.

I have got to learn how to deal with emotional pain.  I had a bad emotional experience today and developed a terrible headache and now my neck and shoulders hurt due to the tense muscles.  Anger and emotional pain causes us to really tense up and then when you get older like me you will find that tense pain endures for much longer periods of time.

I know that when I face emotional pain like I did today that I need to STOP, LISTEN and SEEK GOD with all my being and turn it over to him.  But almost everytime it happens, I fail to do what I know I should do.  Instead my emotions take over and then I just sort of "lose it" or lose control might be a better choice of words.

When I am dealt emotional pain then I lash out verbally with words that I would normally NEVER use.  Matter of fact, some of the words I said today are actually words that I despise hearing people use.  All done in anger!!

Tomorrow, oh tomorrow....I have no idea what it will bring.  I need to clear my head of the trash it had in it today and replace it with God's sweet words.

Humbled

I am always humbled by the way that God loves me and provides for me and my spouse.  He can be counted on to come through everytime.  Maybe not in my preferred timing, but always in His perfect timing.

Everyday gives us new hope on our financial situation.  God started a mighty work in helping us to recover and He is not finished. 

I pray that I will be receptive to His promptings to "stop circling this mountain and walk straight away".

Some time ago I posted on this blog that I was at the lowerest point I have ever been at, let me tell you something!!!!....that is when you cry out to God and He reaches down and lifts you slowly and gently from the deepest crevice of your pit.  I am not solid yet but this Rock that I stand on is solid through and through.

When I say I am nothing without Him, please know that is exactly what I mean.  Maybe I had become guilty of being full of "myself" and full of "my own strength" but Praise God, He brought me back to a place I need to be.  The journey has been bruising and hard to take sometime but He brought me through it alive and healed.

God does not allow me a language that would adequately describe my love for Him and my praises to Him.  That is why He gave us the Holy Spirit to make moaning and groanings when we could not find the words that we need to communicate our feelings to our Abba Father.  

Many times a day I can feel my heart swell and overflow with my love for Him.  Have you ever seen a child that squeals and claps their hands while jumping up and down with excitement????   that child is me and that happens to me when I think about my loving, forgiving, providing Father.  I love that feeling and the fact that I am 66 years old doesn't make any difference to my Father, He still sees me as a small child of His.  Thank you Jesus! 

The End

I am literally so low today that I can not even pray!!  Ever been like that?

I have tried so hard to remain upbeat during this time, but, today I just could not manage it. 

My husband has been so worried as I have been, however, I was the one that kept saying...God will see us through this, stay positive.....not very good at heeding my own advice..... am I??

When someone else has problems I am always the "miss fix it" with such words of wisdom as ....give it to God.....depend on God.....He is faithful and just....He will see you through the hard times.....WELL, I know He is all those things, but, it is evident that He doesn't apparently want those things for me right now.

God, my heart is heavy, my burdens are many.....where are you???